If You Don’t Love Harry Potter, It’s Not Going to Work Between Us

I have very few deal breakers when dating, but this is one of them.

Time To Read: 3 mins | November 12, 2016

I am a very rational person. Truthfully more patient and level-headed than most. The psychiatrist says that I have a ‘long-fuse’. And before you ask, why I was speaking to psychiatrist is none of your damn business.

…excuse my language. I’ve had a rough hour.

I’ve been flirt-texting a girl for some time. Not to brag, but I’m quite good at this – I make a living as a writer, and have a complete and utter lack of caution in these matters. A devastating combination when it comes to sending little blue message bubbles through the cloud thingy.

This extended conversation had been going well. She was smart, funny, and liked many of the things I too enjoy, like naps and vodka.

But did you notice all that past tense? It was intentional.

Much like election night, the entire world fell apart in the blink of an eye. It all started when I somewhat randomly sent her a puzzling thought, an intellectual riddle that had been troubling me for some time:


“How did Hargrid’s dad f*ck his mom if she was a giant?”

I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve lost many night’s sleep over this query. I try not to think about it – and try even harder not to visualize it – but anyone who’s taken sex-ed and an introductory physics course knows it must have been a risky & acrobatic event.

I suppose I should explain for the 8 of you who don’t know: Hagrid is a character from the Harry Potter series, a half-giant who serves as the school’s gamekeeper. His father is a human, but his mother is a giant.

Hence the mating confusion.

Now, I don’t hold it against the 8 of you who didn’t know this bit of trivia – no one’s perfect. But I’ll be damned if the girl I’ve sunk an unreasonable amount of my data plan into doesn’t know simple HP canon.

She replied with… I can’t be bothered to look it up. It’s still too painful, the wound is too fresh. Long story short, she thought both Hagrid’s parents were giants.

I know, right? Ugh.

At this point, not all was lost. After accidentally crushing my beer can in a momentary fit of rage, I steadied my breathing and replied as rationally as I could, calling her nothing worse than a ‘filthy casual’.

My phone was quickly flooded with LOLOLOLs and “Calm down” messages. Clearly she didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, the minefield she’d just stumbled into.

Still, I am sort of an adult. I wouldn’t throw away a month’s worth of witty repartee and happiness just because a love interest made a minor mistake regarding obscure characters in a children’s book series.


But two mistakes inside 5 minutes? In the words of that black lady whose house caught fire, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

In an attempt to appeal to my fandom and simultaneously turn the conversation back to sweet nothings, she said something along the lines of, “Well Harry’s mom was a muggle, so maybe there’s hope for us yet.”

To the 8 people who don’t know: this is the most egregiously wrong sentence ever written. I can barely type. My keyboard is soaked in tears of furious angst.

Harry’s mom was a witch. And that’s not some obscure fact, like Hagrid’s lineage. Lily Potter is a major character in all the stories – we learn all about her time at Hogwarts and her serving on the Order of the Phoenix and, christ, USING THE MAGICAL POWER OF LOVE TO SAVE BABY HARRY FROM THAT DICKBAG VOLDEMORT.

I’m not going to apologize for the caps. I didn’t break anything in the house – a small miracle in itself – so that was my outlet to vent. I’m done now. Probably.

I steadied my shaking hands and sent her a text: “I need an hour. Need to process things.”

That was 50 minutes ago. I’m not sure what to do next, but if I have one guiding life philosophy, it’s this:

Life is too short to date muggles.


photo: mexico city’s first ever dia de los muertos parade

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Malcolm Freberg
Malcolm Freberg
American writer living permanently on the road. Believes rye whiskey is superior to bourbon, Belle is the best Disney princess, and that selfie sticks should be snapped in half on sight. Hosted a travel documentary for AOL & played Survivor a few times.

Leave a Comment


  1. Sofia

    I know right? I’ve had the exact same question, it’s like a chihuahua having sex with a german shepherd. Maybe there is some sort of an ‘enlargement of the penis’ spell that allowed them to make Hagrid which we may found out about in an R rated ‘Hagrid Origins’ storyline 🙂

  2. Kristin

    This is perfection. And I can so relate. I have this friend who once admitted to me, after MONTHS of friendship and much bonding over back-and-forth Harry Potter trivia-sharing, that he wasn’t familiar with a particular factoid I spouted. Why? “Oh I haven’t read the books, I only know Harry Potter stuff because of the movies.” I couldn’t help it. It was a reflex. I punched him. I’m not sorry for what I did.

  3. Heather

    I have wondered the same question for years and the only answers I have come up with are not pleasant to think about. Also, you spelled Hagrid wrong :p

  4. Vickie

    I’d rather be playing quidditch.


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