These Dopey Chest Purses For Men Are an Atrocity

Please, men of Earth, stop this foolishness.

Time To Read: 3 mins | December 23, 2016

I’ve seen three men in as many days wearing… I don’t even know what to call them.

They’re not fanny packs. Same size and shape, sure, but sitting in the wrong place. They’re not satchels, they’re too tight. They’re like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and, like the baby delivery scene in Knocked Up, I wish I’d just closed my eyes.

Like I said, it looks like a mis-worn fanny pack. The bag hangs right at the nipple. Is it there to catch breast milk? And they’re tight, too, highlighting flabby pieces of flesh that most slightly portly men should know not to accentuate.

Even before I saw this nonsense, I didn’t support any man bag outside backpacks. Fanny packs almost had a moment a year ago, but no matter how stylishly designed or half-humorously worn, unzipping one in public lowers the room’s pheromone levels by twenty percent.

Satchels are better, in the way that crabs are better than chlamydia: if you had to choose, then obviously the first, but you really shouldn’t have either. Unless you’re 1980’s Harrison Ford, you can’t pull it off. It’s basic psychology – even if no one can put their finger exactly on why it’s wrong, their subconscious is permanently associating you with a purse.

And this new monstrosity. I don’t know what it is, I just know it’s not good. Remember Jumanji, when the teenagers were about to open the game for the first time, and even before you saw what happened you knew it was evil and they shouldn’t play? Same feeling here…

 

Update (next morning): After much homework, I’ve found it:

Googling “stupid tight mens bag chest” didn’t work, but after multiple combinations of the same words, sans ‘stupid’, I found the abomination.

It’s listed as a Men’s Fashion Satchel Cross Body Bag. If I hadn’t seen one live and already decided I hated it, they’d have lost me at ‘Fashion’.

Please don’t buy this.

The online listing is quick to point out that you can also wear this monstrosity on your back. Well that’s not OK either. Backpacks, like dogs, have a minimum size requirement for men. I don’t know exactly what that is, but you know it’s too small when you see it.

You, reader, seem like a pretty cool person. You’re reading this, so you’ve clearly got good taste. Don’t ruin your life by foolishly purchasing this emasculating nonsense. No one’s asking you to be perfect, but please be better than a dopey chest purse.

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photo: this is a motorcycle. it is very cool and manly. unlike the subject of this article.

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Malcolm Freberg
Malcolm Freberg
American writer living permanently on the road. Believes rye whiskey is superior to bourbon, Belle is the best Disney princess, and that selfie sticks should be snapped in half on sight. Hosted a travel documentary for AOL & played Survivor a few times.
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