I’ma Be An Attractive Older Man

Not something you hear everyday, I’ll admit.
Time To Read: 2 mins | October 15, 2016
There’s no story here. I have no plot, haven’t included a clever twist halfway through. This is simply a rambling mess of words about an observation I’m cautiously optimistic about:
I’m going to be a good-looking old dude.
I have two reasons to believe this is true. First and foremost, I’ve been eating complete shit for three months, and during that stretch no human on Earth has exercised less than me. The most physical activity I’ve done is carrying take-out from the car to the table in front of the TV.

Yet even though my diet consists of 50% Digiorno Rising Crust pizzas and 50% Knob Creek, I’m still very half decent looking – multiple mirrors and lighting conditions confirm it’s true. And that opinion, by the way, stands up even when I haven’t been drinking Knob Creek all morning.

So while I’m certainly sporting what’s known as a ‘dad bod’ these days, not all is lost. I just have to graduate to a slightly larger shirt size and boom: to the casual observer, I’m still a slim spring chicken.

The other thing working for me is Liam Neeson’s skull. I have the same one.

I only learned this recently, but apparently many women find Liam Neeson attractive. Go ahead, ask one near you; she won’t be fanning herself like you just mentioned Ryan Gosling or late ‘90s Nick Lachey, but I’d wager $10 she’ll agree that he’s a handsome gent.

Which is good for me. Go look at a profile shot, a side-view picture of Liam’s head. Notice that caveman-esque bulge where his eyebrows should be? I have the same thing.

My high school girlfriend’s one-eyed anatomy teacher (nominee for Best Description of a Human 2016) told me it’s called a sub-orbital margin, a relic of our Neanderthal past.

Basically, I have a Cro-Magnon head — just like Liam. Which, for reasons I don’t fully understand, seems to do it for the opposite sex as one gets older.
Thus I have convinced myself that 40-plus-year old me, rocking a sight beer belly and prehistoric skull structure, will still be attractive.

Though when you say it like that…

photo: the back entrance to a restaurant in dominical, costa rica. that’s right — the 747, in the middle of nowhere, is the restaurant

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Malcolm Freberg
Malcolm Freberg
American writer living permanently on the road. Believes rye whiskey is superior to bourbon, Belle is the best Disney princess, and that selfie sticks should be snapped in half on sight. Hosted a travel documentary for AOL & played Survivor a few times.

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1 Comment

  1. Lisa

    I enjoy reading your writing. You are quite the amusing fella.


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